What should I do if I don't know what to do?
If I fear so much that doing anything could just stirr things up again?
Destroy the safety distance that cost me so much energy to create in the past weeks..
It's like I'm the rabbit standing directly in front of a predator.
By fear of death.
Not moving any muscle in my body.
Because the first thing that moves will have the predator's full attention.
So I don't.
But this cannot be the equilibrium, can it?
How does the rabbit ever get out of this situation?
Can it hope that the predator will leave?
Or is it determined that the rabbit has to die because at some point, it has to move?
I'm out of ideas.
That's what got me to how things are now in the first place.
If I had seen any other way, believe me, I would have taken it.
And now it is the time, an approaching situation, that pressures me to decide.
Whether to remain paralyzed.
And, to a certain extent, safe.
Or whether to give sight of myself.
But then, I feel I can better predict what will happen if I stay put
than if I chose to make a move.
If I moved, there would be an irreversible cascade of other movements
hopelessly entangled and intertwined in each other
and I wouldn't be able to stop it.
No one would.
And that's exactly what I am frightened of.
The direction, in which this cascade would go.
Could it be of any good?
Could not doing anything be any better?
I don't know.
But in doubt
I really better stay put
and not move.